When He Doesn’t Love You But Doesn’t Let You Go

Love always puts us in difficult places, even though some of them are happy places. Sometimes, however, they are not so rewarding. For example, when we are with someone who doesn’t love us, but also doesn’t let go of us.

On the other hand, we feel like that person isn’t really interested in us. He doesn’t think about our needs and he doesn’t bother to see us happy. But when we have had enough and shown our intention to end this relationship, he immediately begins to make all sorts of promises,  for he says he does not want to lose us.

This tug of war is confusing. Sometimes we think we ourselves are that confused party. Despite this, we can soon see the signs that he does not love us. And so this spiral begins again. What should we do in this distressing situation?

How do I know he doesn’t love me?

Love always causes some pain. But if it’s healthy, it has to bring in a lot more good moments than problems. Love should also be clear to both parties. In short, love must make us more happy than unhappy.

We can realize that our partner does not love us when he causes us more anxiety than peace. When we spend more time suffering from absences and misunderstandings than enjoying it with our partner. When we stop for a moment to think, we realize that we no longer have inner peace. We realize that we feel constant hurricanes in our hearts.

He doesn’t love us if he doesn’t pay enough attention to us, or when he doesn’t care about our needs or feelings. Or when our feelings and needs are underestimated, rejected, or even criticized. It is always easy to know when we are not loved. The hard thing is to accept it and make decisions about it.

Why doesn’t he let me go?

In this situation, we are again confused as to why he does not let us go. If we love that person, we will convince ourselves that he, too, loves us, albeit in a strange way. The proof of this is that he will not let us end the relationship. But why is this happening?

There are three basic reasons why this happens: 

• Selfish needs.  The other person knows he doesn’t love us, but he feels he needs us. Maybe he doesn’t know how to deal with loneliness or he hasn’t found a new partner. If he finds out, he will not hesitate to end the relationship.
• Ownership and self-centeredness. Many people cannot tolerate someone else replacing their place. They assume their partner is like an asset they can’t lose. They fear that if their partner finds a new love, it would damage their pride, so they won’t let go of their partner.
• Immature.  Perhaps what happens is that the other person simply doesn’t know what loving the other means. They love being loved, but don’t know how to give that love.

Usually the reasons are selfish. A person puts their own needs above the needs of their partner. Therefore, he does not care about causing the damage, as long as he does not have to be responsible for his own shortcomings or limitations.

Overcoming the situation

If you are in a situation like this, we recommend putting things in order as soon as possible. Nothing good can follow from an asymmetrical relationship. Vice versa. Usually, problems double, causing bad feelings, insecurities, and stagnation.

The first is to analyze the situation and make sure that person doesn’t really love us. Let us not allow the feeling of sacrifice to catch us. We need to think and determine if our partner really cares about us and enriches our lives. If this is not the case, it is better to ask him directly and talk to him honestly. Let us express our own reasons and try to understand his reasons. The other person may not even understand why he or she is behaving the way he or she is behaving.

Next, we need to let go of that person. We must remove him from our lives, using all the mechanisms we have at our disposal. A relationship like this is not worth the effort. It hurts us, limits us and makes us sore. If we feel that it is impossible to separate from that person, that the difference hurts us too much, it is time for us to ask for help. What is between us is not love. Something else is happening in this relationship.