Six False Beliefs About Suffering
When we lose someone important to us in our lives, we often don’t really know what we should do. This is because we have been taught from an early age how to behave in certain situations, how to act according to requirements and expectations. We were taught how to get things done, how to talk… But no one taught us what we should do if someone we care about leaves us of our own choice or the compulsion of circumstances, and the suffering caused by this overwhelms us.
Below, we take a look at the six untrue beliefs about suffering that society, like our families, have instilled in us in order to cope with it as we struggle with it. Do any of these sound familiar?
“Do not confuse suffering with love, and do not overcome sorrow by forgetting…”
– Margarita Rojas-
1. Get over one by dating another
We have been taught that in order to overcome the loss, we should simply replace what we have lost by filling the resulting vacuum with some substitute. For example, if our pet dies, we can simply go buy another one.
This signals to us that by compensating for the loss of one person with another, we get the relief from the pain we seek. Have you ever heard the phrase, “yes there are enough fish in the ocean”? You may have actually told someone this, or you may have gotten this little tip for yourself, this reminder is especially popular right after a relationship breaks up. But does hearing this actually make you feel better, or does it make you feel worse?
We should never, ever , try to replace something which has meant us once so enormously much. Even if the other relationship or partner eventually comes into the picture, it will never be the same thing. Why try to escape our pain? Are we so weak that we can’t handle it ?
2. If you suffer, you suffer alone
When someone cries, they are gladly left alone, and when we suffer we hardly want to be in our own circumstances; this is how we have been taught. At least you should never cry in public, suppress your feelings!
When we experience suffering and want to cry, we do it in a private place safe from the eyes of others. Expressing emotions in public is shameful. Sadness does not call follows in the same way as happiness. As a result of all this, we have been slowly programmed to believe that sadness is not a good or desirable state of emotion. However, in reality, it is considered “bad” only by those who perceive someone else’s sadness as an uncomfortable factor. For the rest of us, it’s just a feeling among others that, like other feelings, is unavoidable.
3. Time to heal all wounds
This is another relatively common saying and it makes it clear in all its beauty that everything is forgotten over time, and that in the end the pain just disappears. But in the name of the truth, this, of course, depends entirely on the person who left and how much he meant to you.
The idea that “time heals everything” still contains a touch of truth. It is true that in most cases , after some time, we will no longer feel as sad as when the suffering was fresh. However, this does not mean that we are “improved”. A mother whose son has died will hardly ever be able to repair the pain caused by his loss. Years and years can pass without the pain ever completely disappearing or being able to fully recover. For this reason, it is perhaps more apt to say that over time we learn to live with pain.
4. Within a week you will feel better
Does the suffering really disappear within a certain time limit? The pain is individual and personal. For some it may only take a week, for some months and for others even years. The nullification of suffering and the claim that it will pass after a reasonable amount of time is both insensitive and inattentive – and may cause more suffering to those who are already in pain.
We do not forget that we have lost someone. The time it takes to recover from a loss always depends on the individual. We don’t get over the pain when we want to, we get over it when we’re ready for it .
5. You just have to pay attention elsewhere
It is generally believed that slight delusions calm and heal us… Wrong! Pretending to be busy does not mislead us about our suffering any more than it can heal our wounds. Our feelings are not stuck in this way. Sure, we can put off our suffering, but we can’t just get rid of it. Sooner or later the pain returns, and often makes it even more intense.
Accept your pain and let it flow freely. Don’t try to deceive yourself from these feelings. Accept them, know them and come with them with you. You cannot fight something that is natural and has to go through its prescribed course. While you may not want it, even if you may rebel against it and even if you can try to ignore it, the suffering will continue anyway.
6. Be strong!
We often feel after a loss that we need to be able to keep going and stay strong so that we don’t collapse completely. In reality, however, very often those who follow these principles break first. Why? Because they keep the pain inside. They present outwardly strong, though the suffering within them is immense.
Loss causes weakness that can be very frightening. We often try to cover it up so that others don’t notice it. Why can’t we freely show our weaknesses? Why do we present a strong image when in reality we don’t feel like we are? We are not made of stone! We feel, we worry, we suffer. It is to our advantage to leave false public images and impressions of the past.
These six societal beliefs about pain affect us in many profound ways. Did you identify with any of these? Have you ever experienced the need to avoid your feelings, to turn your thoughts away from your suffering, to be strong when you have actually felt weak? We need to become you with our pain and avoid those beliefs that actually make us more vulnerable. Pain doesn’t weaken us, it makes us aware of what we care about the most.
