Benching: Mental Manipulation To Retain Interest

With social media, relationships are changing. Love at first sight is measured by the number of hearts received on Instagram. “Like” the right person on Facebook can brighten up your day.

Now the terms “ghosting” and “benching” are also part of our vocabulary. They give a name to ways that are, in fact, extremely cowardly.

In a technology-dependent society, it’s no surprise that many romances start online. After texting, the next logical step is to go for coffee or beer. This is how many modern love stories (or broken hearts) begin.

This seems simple, but very often these situations become complex. Maybe after a couple of dates, the other one isn’t interested anymore, but he doesn’t dare say that. Sometimes shame and selfishness lead to “ghosting” or disappearance without explanation.

In ghosting, the other party notices that the dating partner is no longer answering his or her messages or calls. The dating partner has also blocked him on social media without giving any reason for his actions. The other party does not know what is going on, and feels resentment, anger, and distrust.

What is benching?

Just like ghosting, benchmarking is a way to get rid of a human relationship without actually facing the other party. The biggest difference is that benchmarking involves keeping in touch with another person to take advantage of this.

The term comes from the term “to bench” (“transfer to a swap bench,” as in sports). The idea is simple: pretend to be interested in a person with whom you don’t want anything serious so you can keep him or her in reserve.

Maybe it’s because the person has someone else they really like, or he or she doesn’t want to commit to anything. In any case, benchmarking is becoming more common.

Constantly living in insecurity can actually be pleasant at first. Not knowing what’s going to happen or whether the other person is really interested is exciting. However, it can also cause resentment to the person being held in reserve. Selfishness usually does not result in any good.

How do you know if you are benchmarking yourself?

It will take days to answer

It is true that when we like someone, sometimes we wait a moment before we answer him. We do not want to ruin the magic. We also don’t want another person to think we’re too available. So it is quite common to wait a bit before replying to a message sent by an interested person.

What is not normal is to wait days or weeks. If the person you meet behaves this way, beware.

If he really likes you, he won’t wait that long. Unless something has happened, he doesn’t want to wait because he’s afraid you might lose interest in him.

He will flatter you, but then ignore you

He will probably flatter you a lot, physically and mentally. He will tell you that you are special, unique, charming and different. Your self-esteem goes up, but that person only does this for their own benefit: he wants you to need him and you can’t live without him.

At the same time, he will ignore you whenever he wants. This creates an ambiguous situation that confuses you. At this point, people who fall victim to benchmarking often become somewhat dependent on another person.

He gives ambiguous answers to difficult questions

You may have already asked several times where your relationship is going, but he is unable to discuss it. In fact, he avoids everything related to the subject. He does continue your flattery, but does not speak honestly about his feelings.

His only purpose is to keep you waiting, to see if something better comes up against you. He doesn’t care about your feelings or the harm it might cause you.

Her biggest concern is her own well-being. He is afraid to be alone. He fears he has no one around him to inflate his ego. Because of this fear, it is impossible for him to see the big picture.

Loving yourself protects you from benchmarking

In any human relationship, it is important to set boundaries for what we are willing to endure. If your relationship has been clear and honest from the beginning, perhaps benchmarking is not an appropriate term to apply to it.

Namely, there are couples who decide on an open relationship right from the start. In the long run, some will find that such an arrangement does not work for them. They suffer more than they benefit.

If this is the case, it is not a matter of benchmarking, but a lack of communication with another person. Accepting a relationship that isn’t ok for you is your problem, not the other party.

On the other hand, if you feel that you are being deceived or someone is obscuring information from you, stay strong. You need to love yourself enough to know that it is better to be alone than in bad company.